Who Gave You This Job? (You Never Signed Up For This)

Prefer to watch? The video's below. Prefer to read? Keep going - this one's for you either way.

Are you confusing service with sacrifice?

I know this one a little too well because as an eldest daughter from the Caribbean, I didn't even know there was a difference. I genuinely thought service meant giving everything until there's nothing left.

As many Jamaicans will tell you, we will give you the shirt off our backs, the shoes we're currently wearing on the way to the airport, to give to someone - nine times out of ten a family member or close friend. Sometimes it's because it's true that we can afford to buy more. And sometimes it's not - I've been in the exact situation where I couldn't afford another pair, and I was still ready and willing to give them away anyway.

Why we're taught to just give, give, give

I think it's because we're taught this from a very young age, watching our caregivers and parents model it. It was always: it's okay, just give it, give it, give it. But nobody ever mentioned what was for them. I never once heard my mom say, "No, I'm keeping this. I love it. I want to keep it, it's my favorite." Did she not like anything she had? Did she feel like it was somehow selfish to like something for herself?

My mom's situation with a family member

This isn't abstract for me right now. My mom is dealing with a situation with a family member where nothing she does is ever good enough - and this person is verbally abusive to her. And yet my mom still makes her meals. Still looks out for her. Still finds herself replaying the hurtful things this woman said:

"I can't believe she had the nerve to say that after everything I've done for her, after everything I'm still doing for her, because nobody else is looking out for her."

The question that keeps coming up for me is the same one I started with: is she confusing service with sacrifice? Because this lady doesn't like her - and I know that's hard to hear about someone she loves and cares about, but it's evident in how she's treated, in what's said to her, in how she's talked about to other people. It's one thing to forgive, to turn the other cheek. It's another to lie there and let someone walk all over you.

I've told her - you have to sit with yourself and really ask why you're trying to earn this person's love. Why do you feel like everything you do still isn't enough? This woman has told her she wished she were dead, and my mom turns around and makes her dinner anyway. I get it, to an extent - family is complicated. But where's the line?

If I were a child watching this happen in my own home, what message would that send me? For me, it would be: I'm not valuable. I'm just here to serve. And at that point, you're not serving anymore. You're sacrificing yourself, because you're not being treated as a person - you're just giving, to the point of depletion, to the point of resentment.

Fear vs. love - why this is hard to unlearn

I always thought giving was supposed to be a give and take - I give you something, I feel good about helping, and you feel good receiving it, or just knowing someone was thinking of you. This doesn't feel like that. And I know it's hard for her, because it's how she was raised. It's hard as adults to go against what we were taught, because it feels wrong - like, who am I to have an opinion different from my family? Who am I to say no to an elder, to a family member?

There's a difference between "I have to do this because it's family" and actually wanting to. It's the difference between dreading a job and being excited to go help people you genuinely care about. Once upon a time I read that we do everything out of either fear or love.

So is my mom doing this out of fear of being cast out of the family, or out of love - for the person, or for herself? Is she confusing love for this person with obligation to a family member?

Everyone here is an adult

I've told her directly: that person is an adult. You are an adult. At some point we have to stop treating family members like they're above us - yes, respect and manners matter to me too, but everyone here is an adult. That means this person is choosing to keep treating her badly. And my mom is choosing to keep sacrificing herself for it.

The point of all this is that we need to start seeing the people around us as capable adults. We need to stop believing we're the only ones who can help them. Because if you weren't in the equation at all - what would they actually do? I know that sounds harsh. But think about it.

This all comes back to having boundaries

People assume a boundary is just saying no firmly and meaning it - and yes, that's part of it. But it's also having compassion for yourself and for the other person, because they can't learn the lesson if you keep doing it for them. There's no way someone learns to stand on their own if you're always there to catch them.

I know it sucks sometimes. I've been in situations where I had to say no and then walk away and cry it out, because I felt like garbage. Who am I to tell this person no? Who am I to want to keep my favorite pair of shoes? Who am I to not be willing to walk barefoot for them?

So my question to you is the same one I keep asking myself: why do you feel like you have to walk barefoot for this person? Why do you feel like you have to be the one to save everyone? Why do you feel like if it isn't you, it won't get done?

Who gave you that job?

When did you sign up for it? I mean that literally - a job, because that's exactly how it starts feeling once you tell yourself "I have to do this." This is something more of us need to sit with, because we assume that without us, everything falls apart. And sometimes it will. So then what? I'd bet they figure it out, because they're capable of figuring it out.

Sometimes we're the ones standing in the way of that, without meaning to - because people get so used to us being the crutch that eventually it starts to feel okay to them to take us for granted. We stop voicing our opinions, stop saying no, and just keep giving and giving. And then when we're sick, the response is "when are you going to get better so you can take care of this for me" - or the fact that we're sick gets ignored completely, because the asking and the taking just continues.

I don't want this for you. I don't want this for my mom.

I refuse to give until there's nothing left

I've been there myself, and I had to get to a point where I said, enough is enough. I don't have anything else to give. I refuse to be the person who gives until she's sick, until she's fully depleted and everyone around her is still asking when she's going to get up and make them food. And I'm talking about grown adults, not children.

We have to come to realize that everybody is capable - you're capable of standing up for yourself, and they're capable of figuring it out on their own.

👉 Your turn: who gave you your job? Is there a role you've been playing for someone ~ the fixer, the one who handles it all ~ that you never actually agreed to?