What Self-Care Actually Means: Boundaries, Not Bubble Baths

Prefer to watch? The video's below. Prefer to read? Keep going — this one's for you either way.

Do you ever try to slow down and immediately feel like you should be doing something else? A voice in your head saying, get up, be productive — or in my case, my mom's voice: "Why are you sitting down when there's so much to do?" If that voice keeps running on a loop in your head, this one's for you.

What we were actually taught

This isn't just about self-care in the abstract. It's about what most of us were taught it meant. For me, it was modeled as a luxury — something you earn only after every chore, every task, every obligation is fully done. Because of that, a lot of what we see now feels like a quiet rebellion against it: nails done, hair done, bubble baths every night, lounging without guilt. And those things are real, and they're part of the picture. But they're not the whole picture. Self-care is also setting boundaries. Going to therapy. Learning your own body — what you actually like, what works for you, what doesn't.

The science that changed how I see it

Here's something that shifted everything for me: around five months into pregnancy, if the baby is a girl, she already has every egg she will ever carry, for her entire life. That means three generations exist in one body, at the same time — the mother, the child inside her, and the eggs already present in that child. One nervous system. One environment, shared across all three.

When I learned that, self-care stopped being something I could keep at the surface. It's not just about you in this exact moment. It never really was.

The question underneath the nails and the bubble baths

It's fair to look nice, to enjoy the surface-level rituals. But underneath that, there's a harder question worth asking:

How are you letting people treat you? How are you letting people talk to you? Are you still people-pleasing? Still not saying what you actually feel? Still being a pushover, even quietly?

We know now that no is a complete sentence. And it's not selfish to actually use it.

The part nobody tells you about setting boundaries

I'll be honest — this is hard, especially coming from a Caribbean upbringing, where a lot of this wasn't modeled or made easy. I remember one specific moment, learning to set a boundary with someone. They asked me for something, and I responded simply: no, that's not going to work for me. I left it there. And then I cried, because I didn't want to have to respond that way. Because I knew exactly what that response meant for the relationship. If I'd given a long explanation instead, I probably would have talked myself right back into caving.

Nobody really talks about that part — the part where standing up for yourself doesn't feel triumphant in the moment. It feels like grief, sometimes, even when it's the right thing.

What you can start noticing

Start noticing where you override yourself. Where you downplay what's actually going on. Where your body gets a little jittery or off, even before you have the words for why. Just pause. Notice it.

And remember — this isn't only about you, and it isn't only about a daughter you may or may not have. It's about every other woman around you, too. We notice each other more than we realize. We absorb each other's patterns, often without knowing we've picked them up.

Why this isn't selfish

There is nothing selfish about self-care — not one part of it. If anything, it's more responsibility, not less, because now you know: how you treat yourself becomes the example. You are the root. And how you take care of the root shapes everything that grows from it.

I didn't intend for this to sound quite this serious. But it is. There's nothing selfish about caring for yourself. There never was.

👉 your turn ~ where do you notice yourself overriding what you actually feel, just to keep the peace?